Author Topic: The Joke Thread!  (Read 4156 times)

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Online AKM-47

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #60 on: September 05, 2020, 03:29:12 PM »
Two ducks walk in to a bar, one is knocked unconscious


Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #61 on: September 05, 2020, 04:05:30 PM »
A man with a small pet monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar. No sooner does the man sit down than the monkey jumps off his shoulder and begins making a nuisance of himself, eating everything in sight.

All of the complimentary nuts in the bowl on the bar, change left on the counter by previous owners, martini olives, and even the little cubes of pool cue chalk are eaten. Finally, the bartender can't stay silent anymore as the monkey jumps onto a billiard table, grabs the cue ball, and eats it.

"Hey mac, your monkey is out of control. He just ate one of my cue balls!" The bartender grouses. Retrieving the monkey, the man apologizes profusely and pays for all of the things the monkey ate, including the cue ball and then leaves.

A week or two later, the same man with the same monkey shows up at the bar again, and this time as before, the monkey jumps right off the owner's shoulder and immediately spots a maraschino cherry on the counter. The bartender watches in horror as the monkey grabs the cherry, crams it up his ass, pulls it back out, and then eats it.

"Ugh! Hey mac, what the hell is your monkey's problem?" The bartender demands in disgust, telling the owner what he just witnessed.

"Oh yes, terribly sorry about that." The owner replies, dryly. "You see, I spend so much money paying to replace the things he eats that don't belong to us, that I can't afford to take him to a vet to have something surgically removed every time he eats things he shouldn't. Ever since he had to pass that cue ball naturally, he's learned to measure things first before he eats them."

Online AKM-47

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #62 on: September 06, 2020, 08:30:16 PM »
Self Testing For COVID-19

Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #63 on: September 06, 2020, 10:15:06 PM »
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV, and a commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in just one week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning the guy is surprised when he answers a knock at the door and finds a good looking woman standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes.

"If you can catch me, you can have me!" She promises, with a flirtatious wink. Then, she takes off running, and obviously, as soon as he's sure it's not a joke the overweight man tries to catch her, but is unable.

This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has indeed lost 10 pounds. Seeing his progress, he decides to try the next weight loss plan, which is to drop 15 pounds in a week.

The next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, and this time being in better shape, he almost catches her.

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as promised, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.

Before he's signed up though, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he goes for it anyway.

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound man, a male body builder, with nothing on but a pair of running shoes.

He looks down at the guy and says, "Okay, you know the drill by now, but this time, if I catch you, that ass is mine!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #64 on: September 08, 2020, 11:06:47 AM »
A blonde goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is that TV?" Salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds."  So, she dyes her hair brown and comes back the next day as a brunette.  "How much is this TV", she asks. Again, the salesman says "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes."  A few days later she returns to the store, this time as a redhead, but again the salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."  She asks, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blonde?" The salesman replies, "Because, that's not a TV.  It's a microwave."