Author Topic: The Joke Thread!  (Read 4136 times)

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Offline Axxe55

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #40 on: July 14, 2019, 03:56:29 PM »
What a simple and brilliant idea!

I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!!
It's hard to beat Israeli technology!
TEL AVIV, Israel –
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that
eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone,
with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a "muffled explosion".
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a
seat available on Flight 670 to London”.:p

“Shalom!"

Offline Axxe55

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #41 on: July 14, 2019, 04:05:23 PM »

Offline Axxe55

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #42 on: July 14, 2019, 04:06:06 PM »

Offline Axxe55

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #43 on: July 30, 2019, 10:01:38 AM »
ALL MEN LIKE TO THINK THEY ARE MARRYING NYMPHOMANIACS.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT AFTER A FEW YEARS,
THE NYMPHO LEAVES
AND THE MANIAC STAYS.

Offline Axxe55

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #44 on: August 10, 2019, 03:45:30 AM »
Please keep this in mind guys!  :wave1:

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #45 on: August 22, 2020, 05:12:54 PM »
So a middle school with a rampant drug use problem among the students hires two guys to come up with new and innovative ways to convince the kids not to do drugs.

After two weeks of talking to the students, the principle then weighs the results of the two respective anti-drug campaigns by conducting an anonymous student body survey to gauge how effective each anti-drug instructor was.

"Your results are promising." The principle says to the first guy. "According to the results of my survey, you were able to convince 38% of the students assigned to you to swear not to do drugs. What was your angle?"

The first guy takes a sheet of paper and draws a circle on it as big as the sheet of the paper, and says "First, I told them this was the size of their brain before the drugs." Then, he draws a tiny circle inside the big circle about the size of a pea. "Then, I told them this would be the size of their brain after it shrivels up from killing so many brain cells by doing drugs."

The principle is impressed, but turns to the second guy who receives a hearty congratulations for being the undisputed winner of the contest. "According to my research, you convinced practically ALL of your students to give up drugs. What's your secret?!" The principle asks.

"Well," Says the second guy, taking the piece of paper the first guy drew on. "I used a similar approach as my colleague here, except," He says, as he points to the tiny circle, "I started with the small circle first, telling them 'This is the size of your asshole BEFORE you go to prison for doing drugs...."

Online TXAZ

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #46 on: August 22, 2020, 06:42:41 PM »
"Gun control".

Headline:  "New Jersey police confiscate arsenal of 7 guns."
.

Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #47 on: August 26, 2020, 07:34:05 PM »
So a pirate captain is standing on deck gazing out at sea when up from above in the Crow's nest the lookout shoots "Captain! 10 enemy ships off the port bow!"

The Captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Lad, fetch me my red sleeping shirt."

The cabin boy scrambles to do so, and unfortunately in short order the ship's crew become engaged in some of the most brutal and violent boarding-actions and hand-to-hand combat imaginable.

Fortunately for the pirate crew, they emerge victorious; afterwards the cabin boy approaches the Captain and asks, "Sir, why of all things did you ask for your red sleeping shirt before the battle?"

"Arrgh," growls the pirate, "The shirt is red like me blood. Even if I am wounded, the crew will not see or notice the blood stains, won't know that I am wounded, and won't get scared or surrender. They'll continue to fight strongly and courageously."

A day later, the lookout up in the crow's nest says 'Captain!! 20 enemy ships off the starboard bow!!"

"Shall I go fetch your red sleeping shirt, sir?" The Cabin boy asks.

"Aye lad!" The captain responds, and again in short order the fighting is upon them, with it being even worse than the day before.

Finally, on the third day the lookout up above shouts out, "Captain!! 50 enemy ships dead ahead!"

"Shall I go fetch your red sleeping shirt, sir?" The Cabin boy asks, again.

"Nay lad..." Says the Captain, looking at all the enemy ships. "Fetch me my brown pants!"

Offline Axxe55

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #48 on: August 31, 2020, 01:25:11 PM »
Gilgondorin, that was truly a great joke sir!  :rocknroll2:

Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #49 on: August 31, 2020, 02:19:41 PM »
So these two guys are out walking their dogs together and one guy is bragging about how smart his collie, Rusty, is.

"Rusty's so smart. I swear, he's like to be the smartest dog in the whole wide world." The guy goes on, until finally his companion is like 'Dude, shut up about the dog already. He's probably not even really that much smarter than any other dog anyway."

Rusty's owner scoffs and decides to prove Rusty's intellect and so he orders Rusty to run down to the pond and count the number of ducks swimming around.

Rusty dashes of, is gone for a few seconds, comes back, and barks 20 times, to which his owner proudly says "There are 20 ducks out on that pond."

The second guy is like "Aha! I saw the pond just a few minutes ago; there weren't any ducks there at all!"

To which Rusty's owner replies "Well if you don't believe him, then go count for yourself!"

So the other guy does go down to the pond and is surprised to see that, indeed, 20 ducks are now out swimming around in the pond.

"That must have been a fluke. Tell him to go back there and recount them again!" Says the second guy.

So Rusty dutifully bounds off toward the pond, is gone for a while, then comes back and barks 60 times.

"See! He can't count! Just a couple of seconds ago, he only barked 20 times!" The second guy argues, but again, Rusty's owner insists he go down to the pond to check for himself.

Again, the guy is bewildered when he goes down and double-checks Rusty's count and finds it is in fact true and accurate.

So, he goes back up a third time and demands Rusty go down for one more proof-count to show that he is indeed the undisputed smartest dog in the world.

Rusty runs off to the pond, comes back, and scares the second guy as he immediately starts barking like a rabid maniac then humping the s*** out of his owner's leg; finally, he jumps into a tree, snaps a low-hanging branch off, and starts waving it around like a rope toy from hell.

"Aha!! See!!" Exclaims the second guy. "That dog's not smart! He's clearly lost his mind!"

"No no, dammit" Rusty's owner responds, impatiently. "You just don't know how to interpret what he's saying. Rusty said: "There is now more f***ing ducks down there in that pond than you can shake a stick at!"

Offline Axxe55

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #50 on: September 01, 2020, 11:24:58 AM »
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room

Offline 308nato

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #51 on: September 01, 2020, 02:00:44 PM »
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room
[/quote







Fantastic lmao. :th_thicon_lol:
Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.
Thomas Jefferson.

Caedite eos.Novitenim Donimus Qui Sunteius.

The new ballet of good over evil is called
The Double Tap Center Mass Boogie.

Offline AKM-47

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #52 on: September 02, 2020, 07:51:20 PM »
This one came from a 5 year old  :th_thicon_funny:

There was a accident on the interstate, a independent, republican and a democrat were killed

They're standing in front of St. Peter, he tells them if they can tell him what is in the room they are free to go, they nod ok

The independent goes in first and has a horrifying look on their face, they see barbwire encampments, soldiers with guns and people being tortured, turns to St. Peter and tells him they are in a police state, St. Peter says you are right, you may go and the independent disappears

The republican goes in and has the same horrifying look, turns to St. Peter and says this is a police state, St. Peter says you are right, you may go and the republican disappears

The democrat goes in and looks around, but has a big grin on their face, a confused St. Peter asked why the big grin,  the democrat says I made it to  heaven

Online TXAZ

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #53 on: September 02, 2020, 08:39:08 PM »
Joe. Biden.
.

Offline AKM-47

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #54 on: September 02, 2020, 09:12:11 PM »
Joe. Biden.

No a 5 year old not a 95 year old


Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #55 on: September 03, 2020, 08:24:10 AM »
So this lady loves to garden, and to that end she prides herself on keeping a really badass vegetable patch full of the most delicious produce growing on the largest and leafiest plants you've ever seen.

.....Unfortunately, her tomatoes are another story. No matter what this poor tortured woman does, she can never get them to ripen. They can get as big as a small cantaloupe, but never turn the pretty red she so desperately seeks.

She tries everything; old wives' tales she reads in old farmer's almanacs, high tech experimental fertilizers, importing ultra mineral rich soil at significant cost, and of course all the conventional gardening advice from other vegetable gurus she can get, but nothing works.

While checking the mail one day she meets a neighbor who is surprised to see how bummed out she is following her latest failure, and so he strikes up a conversation and see begins telling him of her woes and all the make things she's tried with no success.

"Well, " says the neighbor, "There's your problem. See, you're going at this from the wrong direction; you aren't embarrassing the tomatoes enough."

The lady is like "....What?" And the neighbor is like "Oh yeah, see, I fully acknowledge this is gonna sound wack as hell at first, but, tomatoes are very bashful fruits. What you have to do is get up really in the morning before anybody else is up that might see you. Put on something really skimpy and revealing, and give them the best lap dance you can. Because they can't handle the impropriety, they'll flush bright red with embarrassment and there you'll have your red ripe tomatoes."

The lady is pretty sure the neighbor is as full of s*** as is imaginable, but it plants the seeds of doubt in her mind the longer she ruminates on it, until eventually, she decides that relative to everything else she's tried, some things which cost her a hell of a lot of money and didn't work, this plan is literally free and isn't something she's ever tried.

A week goes by and she gives it all she's got, shaking and jiggling and shivering that money maker like it's 15 degrees below zero outside. It so happens that at the end of the week, she bumps into the neighbor at the mailbox again.

"Well!" Greets the neighbor. "Were you able to use my advice to make your tomatoes ripen?"

"No," she says, "But you should SEE how big my cucumbers have grown."
« Last Edit: September 03, 2020, 09:18:27 AM by Gilgondorin »

Offline AKM-47

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #56 on: September 04, 2020, 08:40:44 PM »
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in. The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master." "Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." "Doberman, what do you believe in?" asked God. The doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master." "Aha," said God. "You may sit to my left." Then God looked at the cat and asked "And what do you believe in?" The cat replied, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #57 on: September 05, 2020, 11:01:17 AM »
So heaven needs to implement some new rules for admission to deal with an overcrowding problem; in order to make it past the pearly gates, the rule now is that you must meet all the previous requirements, but you also have to experience a really crappy day back on Earth before you gain admittance.

So this guy comes up looking very depressed and when he approaches St. Peter he is informed of the new policy and asked to recount his last day on Earth.

"Well, it's just terrible." Says the man, "You see, all my life I treated my wife like a queen. I loved her in sickness and in health, I gave her half of every one of my paychecks to spend as she wanted, gave her fancy gifts, took her out regularly to fancy restaurants, and generally always thought about her. But then I came back home early from work and found her naked and sweaty on the bed, I realized then that she had been cheating on me. Being that we live on the 10th floor of an apartment building and that I'd just walked in, I figured the culprit couldn't have gone far so in a jealous rage I tore the place up looking for him. Eventually, I was about to give up when by pure luck I happened to glance out the window to our balcony and saw two sets of fingers on our our fire-escape. Still furious about being betrayed, I ran out and saw a man, sweaty and shirtless, hanging from the fire escape, so I stomped on his hands, then got a hammer and tried smashing his fingers when he wouldn't let go. When he finally did, he fell all the way to the ground, but because he landed in a bush and survived, I ran back to our kitchen, picked up our fridge, and threw it out the window so it would land on top of him. Unfortunately, that much strain on top of my already high blood pressure gave me a heart-attack and killed me."

"My word," Says Saint Peter, "That truly is terrible. Come right on in." And so he lets the guy in.

Next comes up a man looking equally dejected. He too is informed of the new rule by Saint Peter when he approaches to ask for entry.

"Well, I surely had a terrible day." The second man begins. "You see, I live on the 9th floor of an apartment building, and like to exercise on my balcony every day. But today, it so happened that partway through my exercise routine, some wild maniac in the apartment above me came out while I was doing pull-ups on the fire-escape and started stomping on my fingers. I thought I could hang on to get back on my balcony and recuse myself, until the bastard came back with a claw hammer. Obviously, the pain of him breaking my fingers was so enormous I had to let go, and I pissed myself in fear falling the 9 stories to the ground. I thought perhaps my luck had changed when I landed in a thick bush, because even with all my bones broken, I survived. However, the crazy man must have realized this too, because he threw his refrigerator on top of me and crushed me to death since I couldn't crawl away to safety."

"Goodness!" Says Saint Peter, trying to keep from breaking out into a knowing smile at the dead man's unfortunate coincidence. However, he too lets the man into heaven.

Finally, a third man comes up, buck ass nude. He is also informed of the new rule about having a bad day before getting into heaven.

"Boy, I tell you I've got a crummy one for you." The third man begins. "Picture this: I'm totally naked, and hiding in a refrigerator...."

Offline AKM-47

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #58 on: September 05, 2020, 11:30:42 AM »
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing? she asked. Hunting flies, he replied. Oh, killed any? she asked. Yep, 3 males and 2 females, he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, How can you tell them apart? The husband replied, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.

Offline Gilgondorin

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Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #59 on: September 05, 2020, 03:15:31 PM »
So this guy walks into a bar and as he sits down he sees a tiny man, only about a foot tall, seated at a fully functional miniature piano and playing classical music.

"What's the deal with him?" Asks the newly arriving bar patron.

"See this lamp?" The bartender asks, pulling an ancient lamp out from under the bar and setting it in front of him. "It's a magic lamp, and if you rub it, a magic genie inside will come out and grant you one wish."

The guy obviously believes he's being put on, so as the bartender takes his order and goes off to make his drink, he reaches over and rubs it.

Immediately a genie pops out, turning to the man and crossing his arms. "You have summoned me from the lamp! You may have one wish."

"I want a million bucks!" The guy exclaims, in excited disbelief.

"So be it!" The genie declares, then promptly disappears back into his bottle.

Suddenly outside storm clouds gather, along with booming peals of thunder. Then, countless thousands of ducks, quacking and flapping wildly, start falling from the sky.

"Hey, what the hell?!" The customer demands. "I said I wanted a million bucks, not a million ducks!!"

"Yeah," Says the bartender, placing the man's drink in front of him with a shrug. "I suppose I forgot to mention that there Genie is hard of hearing. Hell, you didn't seriously think I asked for a 12" pianist either, did you?"