Author Topic: The Joke Thread! (Read 4135 times)

Axxe55 · « **Reply #20 on:** May 20, 2019, 02:32:59 PM »

Quote from: AKM-47 on May 20, 2019, 02:25:58 PM

Quote from: Tango on May 11, 2019, 07:15:38 AM
.
a Horse walks into a Bar - the Bartender asks "why the long face ?"

If I remember correctly didn't George Washington start that joke

IIRC, yes he did!

Gilgondorin · « **Reply #21 on:** May 21, 2019, 09:02:19 AM »

So this lady wants to get away from it all, so she moves waaaaay out into the countryside.

She's all "It's so nice out here, but now that I'm settled in, I should probably get some groceries." So she drives the 1 hour to the nearest grocery store, and while she's there she belatedly remembers she needs to buy her dog some dog food. However, when she puts it in the cart and goes to check out, she's stopped at the register by the manager, who's all "I'm sorry ma'am but we've had a couple of incidents with people eating the dog food instead of people food because technically, it's nutritionally complete by human standards. But, because it's obviously not made following human food safety guidelines, they got sick and tried to sue us. Therefore, we can't sell you the dog food unless you prove to us you have a dog."

The lady is pissed and argues back and forth with him but the manager refuses to budge, so she has to get in her truck, drive a hour back to her house, load up the dog, drive an hour back to town, and show the manager the dog, which he then says "Yep, you definitely have a dog; you can buy dog food now." Only then can she drive the hour BACK to her house with the dog and the food.

Well like a week later she's in town and she's like "F***, I forgot, fluffy needs some cat food." And she tries to go buy cat food from the grocery store but the manager is like "For the same reason we can't sell you dog food without you proving you own a dog, unfortunately I can't sell you cat food either ma'am, until you prove you have a cat."

Well the lady is hella pissed at this and argues her point ardently again considering she already proved she's dealing square where the dog was involved, but, the manager won't budge and so finally she ends up having to drive the hour aaaaaaaaall the way back to her house to pick up mittens, throw his fuzzy ass in a kitty carrier, drive the hour BACK to town, prove she has the cat, buy the cat food, and then drive the hour all the way back to her house.

The third week she comes in with a box that has a hole poked in the top. "Stick your finger in there." The lady says to the manager, and the manager does so -- and it feels cold and wet.

"Okay," She says, "Now smell your finger."

The manager sniffs it and then immediately gags and starts retching and is like "Dude WTF lady, that smells like s***!!!" And she's like "Exactly. Now, do I have the proof I need to buy some f***ing toilet paper please!?"

Axxe55 · « **Reply #22 on:** May 21, 2019, 02:18:39 PM »

ROFLMAO Funny Gilgondorin!

Axxe55 · « **Reply #23 on:** May 25, 2019, 04:56:13 PM »

Cattle Guards
YA GOTTA LAUGH TO KEEP FROM CRYING
These two are morons and an embarrassment to the USA !
Joe asks for 6 months of retraining for 'Cattle Guards! '
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.
For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings,
in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! '

Gilgondorin · « **Reply #24 on:** May 25, 2019, 06:30:54 PM »

So a frigging elephant is about to light a big cigar-sized blunt when a little white rabbit comes running up and says "Mr. Elephant, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!"

Filled with remorse, the elephant stamps the blunt out and jogs after the bunny rabbit.

Eventually they come across a Giraffe about to take a massive rip from a giant bong. "Mr. Giraffe, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!" The rabbit says.

The Giraffe is so overcome with gratitude that it tearfully smashes the bong to pieces on the ground and then goes galloping off behind the Elephant, and the Giraffe.

Eventually they come up to a big Silver back Gorilla about to shoot up heroin. "Mr. Gorilla, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!" The rabbit says.

The Gorilla is touched with the rabbit's concern, breaks the syringe, and goes running off with the rabbit, the elephant, and the giraffe.

Before long they come up on a Lion about to snort fat rails of coke off a rock. "Mr. Lion, Mr. Lion, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!" The rabbit says again.

The lion takes one look at the coke, then at the rabbit, and then stands and messily eats the rabbit right before the horrified, unblinking eyes of the Elephant, Giraffe, and Gorilla.

"Mr. Lion, what the f***!?" The Giraffe protests immediately. "What's wrong with you?!" Bellows Elephant. "You ate him, and he was only trying to look out for your health!!" Cries Gorilla.

"Like hell if he was!" Says the Lion. "The last time that little motherf***er got high on PCP, he had me running through the jungle like a freaking dumbass for 5 hours!!"

Alte Schule · « **Reply #25 on:** May 25, 2019, 07:23:45 PM »

I use to tell this one in shift briefing when we had new officers.

Did you see unit 47 just arrested Ronald McDonald and are bringing him in in handcuffs. No kidding? What for?
They found him behind the Dairy Queen eating a dude.

For those that don't know The Dude is a chicken fried steak sandwich on the DQ menu.

TXAZ · « **Reply #26 on:** May 25, 2019, 10:13:22 PM »

Quote from: Alte Schule on May 25, 2019, 07:23:45 PM

I use to tell this one in shift briefing when we had new officers.

Did you see unit 47 just arrested Ronald McDonald and are bringing him in in handcuffs. No kidding? What for?
They found him behind the Dairy Queen eating a dude.

For those that don't know The Dude is a chicken fried steak sandwich on the DQ menu.

The Corollary is:
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King flipped out his Whopper.

Gilgondorin · « **Reply #27 on:** May 26, 2019, 05:06:01 AM »

So this teenage girl is nervous AF because her boyfriend wants her to meet his parents for the first time ever by coming over for dinner, and she spends the entire day worrying about different ways to make a good first impression.

"I don't want to look like a gluttonous pig, or give them the impression that I'm eventually going to let myself go, so I'll have something to eat now, and when I get there, I'll only eat a polite amount of food!" She thinks.

Unfortunately she settles on a meal of beans and carbonated beverages beforehand so by the time she actually gets there she's developed a really bad case of gas.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no! I don't want to be rude just get up mid-conversation and run off to the bathroom!" She thinks; unfortunately, before she can excuse herself, the first fart escapes and it's loud enough to silence dinner conversation.

"Rusty!" The father exclaims; the girl looks below her to see an old dog resting quietly under her seat, and she can hardly believe her luck.

"Hey, they blamed the dog!" She thinks silently to herself in relief; unfortunately, before she can think of what to do next, another roiling boil cooks up in her stomach.

"Maybe they'll blame it on the dog again!" she thinks to herself, and leans over to cut the gnarliest rattler yet.

"Rusty!!" The father warns.

"Ha! Thank goodness for old dogs!!" Thinks the girl excitedly.

Unfortunately she can finally feel the mother of all blasts brewing like a hurricane, and knows that dinner will be drawing to a close soon, at which point they'll have to adjourn to the living room to watch TV. So, thinking to herself, "Here goes nothing!", the girl rips the last one out and it practically sounds like a diesel engine revving.

"RUSTY!!!" Roars the father, "GET OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THAT GIRL BEFORE SHE S***'S ON YOU!!"

Axxe55 · « **Reply #28 on:** May 26, 2019, 02:42:01 PM »

Gilgondorin, I about fell out of my chair from laughing so hard! Good one sir!

Axxe55 · « **Reply #29 on:** May 26, 2019, 03:42:41 PM »

Axxe55 · « **Reply #30 on:** May 27, 2019, 02:09:40 PM »

Axxe55 · « **Reply #31 on:** May 27, 2019, 02:14:28 PM »

Axxe55 · « **Reply #32 on:** May 29, 2019, 10:12:28 AM »

Axxe55 · « **Reply #33 on:** June 14, 2019, 10:40:53 AM »

Axxe55 · « **Reply #34 on:** June 14, 2019, 11:02:09 AM »

Axxe55 · « **Reply #35 on:** June 14, 2019, 11:07:39 AM »

And then the fight started!

Axxe55 · « **Reply #36 on:** June 14, 2019, 11:13:18 AM »

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

Axxe55 · « **Reply #37 on:** June 14, 2019, 11:22:20 AM »

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

AKM-47 · « **Reply #38 on:** June 14, 2019, 08:12:38 PM »

Quote from: Axxe55 on June 14, 2019, 11:07:39 AM

And then the fight started!

That's one reason why I didn't get married … being honest can be dangerous

Axxe55 · « **Reply #39 on:** June 18, 2019, 03:54:21 PM »

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!