So this lady wants to get away from it all, so she moves waaaaay out into the countryside.
She's all "It's so nice out here, but now that I'm settled in, I should probably get some groceries." So she drives the 1 hour to the nearest grocery store, and while she's there she belatedly remembers she needs to buy her dog some dog food. However, when she puts it in the cart and goes to check out, she's stopped at the register by the manager, who's all "I'm sorry ma'am but we've had a couple of incidents with people eating the dog food instead of people food because technically, it's nutritionally complete by human standards. But, because it's obviously not made following human food safety guidelines, they got sick and tried to sue us. Therefore, we can't sell you the dog food unless you prove to us you have a dog."
The lady is pissed and argues back and forth with him but the manager refuses to budge, so she has to get in her truck, drive a hour back to her house, load up the dog, drive an hour back to town, and show the manager the dog, which he then says "Yep, you definitely have a dog; you can buy dog food now." Only then can she drive the hour BACK to her house with the dog and the food.
Well like a week later she's in town and she's like "F***, I forgot, fluffy needs some cat food." And she tries to go buy cat food from the grocery store but the manager is like "For the same reason we can't sell you dog food without you proving you own a dog, unfortunately I can't sell you cat food either ma'am, until you prove you have a cat."
Well the lady is hella pissed at this and argues her point ardently again considering she already proved she's dealing square where the dog was involved, but, the manager won't budge and so finally she ends up having to drive the hour aaaaaaaaall the way back to her house to pick up mittens, throw his fuzzy ass in a kitty carrier, drive the hour BACK to town, prove she has the cat, buy the cat food, and then drive the hour all the way back to her house.
The third week she comes in with a box that has a hole poked in the top. "Stick your finger in there." The lady says to the manager, and the manager does so -- and it feels cold and wet.
"Okay," She says, "Now smell your finger."
The manager sniffs it and then immediately gags and starts retching and is like "Dude WTF lady, that smells like s***!!!" And she's like "Exactly. Now, do I have the proof I need to buy some f***ing toilet paper please!?"