Author Topic: The Joke Thread!  (Read 1824 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
The Joke Thread!
« on: April 05, 2019, 06:59:29 AM »
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2019, 03:37:42 PM »
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2019, 12:39:30 PM »
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2019, 12:43:56 PM »
A young Marine had just served his country and decided to go back to college.  He was taking a hard class taught by a proclaimed atheist.

After almost a semester of religious intolerance, the Marine wasn’t surprised at all when the teacher stood on a box and said “God, if you exist, knock me off this box.  I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

Fourteen minutes went by, and the teacher said: “I’m waiting!”

The Marine got out of his desk, knocked the teacher in the head with the book.

“What was that for?” the professor asked when he came to.

The Marine replied innocently, “God’s busy protecting our soldiers who are protecting your rights to act like an idiot, so he sent me.
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline TXAZ

  • Gun Guru
  • ******
  • Posts: 7235
  • أنا لست إرهابياً
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2019, 02:59:17 PM »
A young Marine had just served his country and decided to go back to college.  He was taking a hard class taught by a proclaimed atheist.

After almost a semester of religious intolerance, the Marine wasn’t surprised at all when the teacher stood on a box and said “God, if you exist, knock me off this box.  I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

Fourteen minutes went by, and the teacher said: “I’m waiting!”

The Marine got out of his desk, knocked the teacher in the head with the book.

“What was that for?” the professor asked when he came to.

The Marine replied innocently, “God’s busy protecting our soldiers who are protecting your rights to act like an idiot, so he sent me.

YES!

Love that one!
.

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2019, 03:04:03 PM »
A young Marine had just served his country and decided to go back to college.  He was taking a hard class taught by a proclaimed atheist.

After almost a semester of religious intolerance, the Marine wasn’t surprised at all when the teacher stood on a box and said “God, if you exist, knock me off this box.  I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

Fourteen minutes went by, and the teacher said: “I’m waiting!”

The Marine got out of his desk, knocked the teacher in the head with the book.

“What was that for?” the professor asked when he came to.

The Marine replied innocently, “God’s busy protecting our soldiers who are protecting your rights to act like an idiot, so he sent me.

YES!

Love that one!

TXAZ, it's one of my favorite jokes!  :rocknroll2:
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2019, 10:00:49 PM »
I found this video a few years ago, done by Tom Mabe. He's pranking a telemarketer. This will have you rolling!  :th_thicon_lol:

Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline TXAZ

  • Gun Guru
  • ******
  • Posts: 7235
  • أنا لست إرهابياً
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2019, 10:15:01 PM »
One of the best telemarketer spoofs yet. That telemarketer musta have browned his bottom after that call.
.

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2019, 10:22:20 PM »
One of the best telemarketer spoofs yet. That telemarketer musta have browned his bottom after that call.

TXAZ, even several years later, I still LMAO !  :rocknroll2:
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2019, 10:01:38 PM »
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Tango

  • Military
  • Always in the 10 Ring
  • *****
  • Posts: 3259
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2019, 07:15:38 AM »
.
a Horse walks into a Bar - the Bartender asks "why the long face ?"
Follow Me - Martin Baker Tie Club member
Si Vis pacem, para Bellum

Offline Gilgondorin

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2803
  • .: Gear of War :.
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2019, 12:19:42 PM »
NSFW warning!!

SO THIS GUY walks into a patent office wearing a trench coat and he goes up to the patent office clerk and says "I'd like to apply for a patent for my revolutionary new method of making an ordinary peach taste like pussy."

 The clerk scowls and says "Sir, this is a government office and I'm very busy. If you aren't here on official business then stop wasting my time and get out!"

Well the guy is like "I friggin' AM serious; in fact to show you how serious I am I brought a sample for you to try if you don't believe me!" as he takes a peach out of his coat and hands it to the clerk.

The clerk studies it for a few seconds but is like "Fine, here goes" and takes one bite before he starts gagging and retching and spits it out.

"You lying son of a bitch, this tastes like shit!" The clerk roars, to which the guy responds impatiently, "No, no, dammit, you're eating the wrong side! Flip it over, flip it over!!"


Highlight the above text if you dare! :th_thicon_lol:

Offline TXAZ

  • Gun Guru
  • ******
  • Posts: 7235
  • أنا لست إرهابياً
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2019, 12:51:57 PM »
+1Gilgondorin.
.

Offline Gilgondorin

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2803
  • .: Gear of War :.
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2019, 10:31:28 PM »
Fair warning, this one's probably even worse than the last one.

There's this guy going to visit his GF's parents for the first time and he's a big-time motorcycle rider. He wants to ride his motorcycle there, but the paint has been completely stripped off of it so that it can be redone at a custom shop.

"Oh jeez, it looks like it could rain outside any minute, and I don't have any other way of getting there from here. If I take it out of the shop like this, I'm going to get water on it, which will rust the metal up to hell and ruin the metal and any paint I put on it." He complains.

"Not to worry. See, all you have to do is take this big tub of KY Petroleum Jelly and rub it onto the metal. The petroleum jelly is made out the same stuff regular rust preventives are and will coat and protect the metal and prevent water from getting onto it so that it won't rust." Says the body shop owner, so the biker happily takes the KY and rides off.

However, by the time he gets to his GF's house he sees her sitting on the porch waiting for him. "There's one thing you have to know before you come inside -- we have a rule at my house. If you should happen to say anything during dinner, ANY-THING at all, whether accidental or otherwise, you're stuck doing the dirty dishes afterwards." She explains.

The BF thinks that's kind of random, but he wants to make a good impression with the fam, so he agrees thinking it may just be a funny game until she opens the door to the house and he sees dirty dishes EVERYWHERE.

An episode of hoarders doesn't have s*** on this place; there's dirty dishes piled ceiling high all along the hallways, there's stacks of dirty dishes on each of the stairs, there's dirty dishes on every surface in every room, there's of course dirty dishes in the sink, and he looks and even sees gnarly piles of dirty dishes in the back yard through the backyard sliding glass door.

"Holy f***ing f***," The guy thinks, now realizing he's fighting for his very life, "If I f*** up and say even one thing I'll be stuck here for literally ever doing dishes!! I gotta think of a way to get out of this and fast!"

So as they're all sitting down around the table eating dinner, and of course it's dead silent with no conversation because they're just looking at each other and chewing.

Finally, the guy gets a really messed up idea and smiles, because he thinks it's a way to force an end to the game; right there in front of her parents the guy grabs his girlfriend's tits -- but, to his surprise they say nothing, not even the girl.

So he starts to REALLY grope her up figuring they just need a little more motivation, but still nothing; eventually he starts getting downright mischievous until the total lack of any objection motivates him to ride the living s*** out of the girlfriend right there on the table in front of the parents; obviously, they're all in complete disbelief, but still nobody is saying a single word about any of it.

The guy finishes and sits down, but having seen what he just got away with, it gives him another idea: this time he gets up and does the same thing to the girl's mom instead. All this while there's nary a spoken word of complaint, so finally he starts boning the living daylights out of the mom too right there on the table in front of the husband.

Eventually the boyfriend hsits back down again and still not a single word was uttered by anyone at any time about anything, completely foiling his dastardly plan. About this time though as the guy is beginning to sweat it the odds of his losing, thunder shakes the walls.

"Dammit," Thinks the guy to himself, "If I don't go outside and put the petroleum jelly on my bike, it's going to get rained on and rusted!"

So he stands up and pulls the KY jelly out of his pocket, but the instant the father sees it, he flies up out of his chair screaming "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO THE GOD DAMNED DISHES, YA SICK SON OF A B****!!!!!!"

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2019, 11:04:43 PM »
Last night I went to a bar, and the most crazy thing happened. Some chick got her nipple pierced in front of me.

On an unrelated subject, I suck at darts!
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2019, 11:47:27 PM »
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #16 on: May 20, 2019, 01:39:15 AM »
Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

A: Artificial intelligence.
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #17 on: May 20, 2019, 01:41:29 AM »
Little Johnny the Conductor


Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.

Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn a**holes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''

''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!''

So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.

He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on. And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the a**hole in the kitchen!''
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline Axxe55

  • Concealed Carry Pro
  • ****
  • Posts: 2179
  • Trophy Husband! Just ask my wife!
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2019, 01:43:24 AM »
Little Johnny and the ABC's

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"
Misguided Miscreant!
North of Hell, and South of Heaven. Texas, by God!
"It is far better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
Remember the Alamo.
NRA Member. TSRA Member.
"I have one nerve left, and it seems there is that one idiot that feels the need to get on it."
"Go ahead, make my day." Dirty Harry. (Carries a 44 Magnum. Nuf said.)

Offline AKM-47

  • Brass Hoarder
  • ****
  • Posts: 1350
    • View Profile
Re: The Joke Thread!
« Reply #19 on: May 20, 2019, 02:25:58 PM »
.
a Horse walks into a Bar - the Bartender asks "why the long face ?"

If I remember correctly didn't George Washington start that joke