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EVERYTHING ELSE => Off Topic Discussion (NON FIREARM RELATED) => Topic started by: Axxe55 on April 05, 2019, 06:59:29 AM

Title: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on April 05, 2019, 06:59:29 AM
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on April 29, 2019, 03:37:42 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/kfTIML4.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 03, 2019, 12:39:30 PM
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 03, 2019, 12:43:56 PM
A young Marine had just served his country and decided to go back to college.  He was taking a hard class taught by a proclaimed atheist.

After almost a semester of religious intolerance, the Marine wasn’t surprised at all when the teacher stood on a box and said “God, if you exist, knock me off this box.  I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

Fourteen minutes went by, and the teacher said: “I’m waiting!”

The Marine got out of his desk, knocked the teacher in the head with the book.

“What was that for?” the professor asked when he came to.

The Marine replied innocently, “God’s busy protecting our soldiers who are protecting your rights to act like an idiot, so he sent me.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: TXAZ on May 03, 2019, 02:59:17 PM
A young Marine had just served his country and decided to go back to college.  He was taking a hard class taught by a proclaimed atheist.

After almost a semester of religious intolerance, the Marine wasn’t surprised at all when the teacher stood on a box and said “God, if you exist, knock me off this box.  I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

Fourteen minutes went by, and the teacher said: “I’m waiting!”

The Marine got out of his desk, knocked the teacher in the head with the book.

“What was that for?” the professor asked when he came to.

The Marine replied innocently, “God’s busy protecting our soldiers who are protecting your rights to act like an idiot, so he sent me.

YES!

Love that one!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 03, 2019, 03:04:03 PM
A young Marine had just served his country and decided to go back to college.  He was taking a hard class taught by a proclaimed atheist.

After almost a semester of religious intolerance, the Marine wasn’t surprised at all when the teacher stood on a box and said “God, if you exist, knock me off this box.  I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

Fourteen minutes went by, and the teacher said: “I’m waiting!”

The Marine got out of his desk, knocked the teacher in the head with the book.

“What was that for?” the professor asked when he came to.

The Marine replied innocently, “God’s busy protecting our soldiers who are protecting your rights to act like an idiot, so he sent me.

YES!

Love that one!

TXAZ, it's one of my favorite jokes!  :rocknroll2:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 03, 2019, 10:00:49 PM
I found this video a few years ago, done by Tom Mabe. He's pranking a telemarketer. This will have you rolling!  :th_thicon_lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIVfrBFc5og
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: TXAZ on May 03, 2019, 10:15:01 PM
One of the best telemarketer spoofs yet. That telemarketer musta have browned his bottom after that call.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 03, 2019, 10:22:20 PM
One of the best telemarketer spoofs yet. That telemarketer musta have browned his bottom after that call.

TXAZ, even several years later, I still LMAO !  :rocknroll2:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 10, 2019, 10:01:38 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/qppOnMD.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Tango on May 11, 2019, 07:15:38 AM
.
a Horse walks into a Bar - the Bartender asks "why the long face ?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on May 11, 2019, 12:19:42 PM
NSFW warning!!

SO THIS GUY walks into a patent office wearing a trench coat and he goes up to the patent office clerk and says "I'd like to apply for a patent for my revolutionary new method of making an ordinary peach taste like pussy."

 The clerk scowls and says "Sir, this is a government office and I'm very busy. If you aren't here on official business then stop wasting my time and get out!"

Well the guy is like "I friggin' AM serious; in fact to show you how serious I am I brought a sample for you to try if you don't believe me!" as he takes a peach out of his coat and hands it to the clerk.

The clerk studies it for a few seconds but is like "Fine, here goes" and takes one bite before he starts gagging and retching and spits it out.

"You lying son of a bitch, this tastes like shit!" The clerk roars, to which the guy responds impatiently, "No, no, dammit, you're eating the wrong side! Flip it over, flip it over!!"

Highlight the above text if you dare! :th_thicon_lol:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: TXAZ on May 11, 2019, 12:51:57 PM
+1Gilgondorin.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on May 12, 2019, 10:31:28 PM
Fair warning, this one's probably even worse than the last one.

There's this guy going to visit his GF's parents for the first time and he's a big-time motorcycle rider. He wants to ride his motorcycle there, but the paint has been completely stripped off of it so that it can be redone at a custom shop.

"Oh jeez, it looks like it could rain outside any minute, and I don't have any other way of getting there from here. If I take it out of the shop like this, I'm going to get water on it, which will rust the metal up to hell and ruin the metal and any paint I put on it." He complains.

"Not to worry. See, all you have to do is take this big tub of KY Petroleum Jelly and rub it onto the metal. The petroleum jelly is made out the same stuff regular rust preventives are and will coat and protect the metal and prevent water from getting onto it so that it won't rust." Says the body shop owner, so the biker happily takes the KY and rides off.

However, by the time he gets to his GF's house he sees her sitting on the porch waiting for him. "There's one thing you have to know before you come inside -- we have a rule at my house. If you should happen to say anything during dinner, ANY-THING at all, whether accidental or otherwise, you're stuck doing the dirty dishes afterwards." She explains.

The BF thinks that's kind of random, but he wants to make a good impression with the fam, so he agrees thinking it may just be a funny game until she opens the door to the house and he sees dirty dishes EVERYWHERE.

An episode of hoarders doesn't have s*** on this place; there's dirty dishes piled ceiling high all along the hallways, there's stacks of dirty dishes on each of the stairs, there's dirty dishes on every surface in every room, there's of course dirty dishes in the sink, and he looks and even sees gnarly piles of dirty dishes in the back yard through the backyard sliding glass door.

"Holy f***ing f***," The guy thinks, now realizing he's fighting for his very life, "If I f*** up and say even one thing I'll be stuck here for literally ever doing dishes!! I gotta think of a way to get out of this and fast!"

So as they're all sitting down around the table eating dinner, and of course it's dead silent with no conversation because they're just looking at each other and chewing.

Finally, the guy gets a really messed up idea and smiles, because he thinks it's a way to force an end to the game; right there in front of her parents the guy grabs his girlfriend's tits -- but, to his surprise they say nothing, not even the girl.

So he starts to REALLY grope her up figuring they just need a little more motivation, but still nothing; eventually he starts getting downright mischievous until the total lack of any objection motivates him to ride the living s*** out of the girlfriend right there on the table in front of the parents; obviously, they're all in complete disbelief, but still nobody is saying a single word about any of it.

The guy finishes and sits down, but having seen what he just got away with, it gives him another idea: this time he gets up and does the same thing to the girl's mom instead. All this while there's nary a spoken word of complaint, so finally he starts boning the living daylights out of the mom too right there on the table in front of the husband.

Eventually the boyfriend hsits back down again and still not a single word was uttered by anyone at any time about anything, completely foiling his dastardly plan. About this time though as the guy is beginning to sweat it the odds of his losing, thunder shakes the walls.

"Dammit," Thinks the guy to himself, "If I don't go outside and put the petroleum jelly on my bike, it's going to get rained on and rusted!"

So he stands up and pulls the KY jelly out of his pocket, but the instant the father sees it, he flies up out of his chair screaming "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO THE GOD DAMNED DISHES, YA SICK SON OF A B****!!!!!!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 15, 2019, 11:04:43 PM
Last night I went to a bar, and the most crazy thing happened. Some chick got her nipple pierced in front of me.

On an unrelated subject, I suck at darts!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 15, 2019, 11:47:27 PM
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 20, 2019, 01:39:15 AM
Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

A: Artificial intelligence.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 20, 2019, 01:41:29 AM
Little Johnny the Conductor


Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.

Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn a**holes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''

''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!''

So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.

He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on. And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the a**hole in the kitchen!''
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 20, 2019, 01:43:24 AM
Little Johnny and the ABC's

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on May 20, 2019, 02:25:58 PM
.
a Horse walks into a Bar - the Bartender asks "why the long face ?"

If I remember correctly didn't George Washington start that joke
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 20, 2019, 02:32:59 PM
.
a Horse walks into a Bar - the Bartender asks "why the long face ?"

If I remember correctly didn't George Washington start that joke

IIRC, yes he did!  :wave1:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on May 21, 2019, 09:02:19 AM
So this lady wants to get away from it all, so she moves waaaaay out into the countryside.

She's all "It's so nice out here, but now that I'm settled in, I should probably get some groceries." So she drives the 1 hour to the nearest grocery store, and while she's there she belatedly remembers she needs to buy her dog some dog food. However, when she puts it in the cart and goes to check out, she's stopped at the register by the manager, who's all "I'm sorry ma'am but we've had a couple of incidents with people eating the dog food instead of people food because technically, it's nutritionally complete by human standards. But, because it's obviously not made following human food safety guidelines, they got sick and tried to sue us. Therefore, we can't sell you the dog food unless you prove to us you have a dog."

The lady is pissed and argues back and forth with him but the manager refuses to budge, so she has to get in her truck, drive a hour back to her house, load up the dog, drive an hour back to town, and show the manager the dog, which he then says "Yep, you definitely have a dog; you can buy dog food now." Only then can she drive the hour BACK to her house with the dog and the food.

Well like a week later she's in town and she's like "F***, I forgot, fluffy needs some cat food." And she tries to go buy cat food from the grocery store but the manager is like "For the same reason we can't sell you dog food without you proving you own a dog, unfortunately I can't sell you cat food either ma'am, until you prove you have a cat."

Well the lady is hella pissed at this and argues her point ardently again considering she already proved she's dealing square where the dog was involved, but, the manager won't budge and so finally she ends up having to drive the hour aaaaaaaaall the way back to her house to pick up mittens, throw his fuzzy ass in a kitty carrier, drive the hour BACK to town, prove she has the cat, buy the cat food, and then drive the hour all the way back to her house.

The third week she comes in with a box that has a hole poked in the top. "Stick your finger in there." The lady says to the manager, and the manager does so -- and it feels cold and wet.

"Okay," She says, "Now smell your finger."

The manager sniffs it and then immediately gags and starts retching and is like "Dude WTF lady, that smells like s***!!!" And she's like "Exactly. Now, do I have the proof I need to buy some f***ing toilet paper please!?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 21, 2019, 02:18:39 PM
ROFLMAO Funny Gilgondorin!  :rocknroll2: :th_thicon_lol: :th_thicon_funny:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 25, 2019, 04:56:13 PM
Cattle Guards
YA GOTTA LAUGH TO KEEP FROM CRYING
These two are morons and an embarrassment to the USA !
Joe asks for 6 months of retraining for 'Cattle Guards! '
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.
For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings,
in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.


A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! '
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on May 25, 2019, 06:30:54 PM
So a frigging elephant is about to light a big cigar-sized blunt when a little white rabbit comes running up and says "Mr. Elephant, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!"

Filled with remorse, the elephant stamps the blunt out and jogs after the bunny rabbit.

Eventually they come across a Giraffe about to take a massive rip from a giant bong. "Mr. Giraffe, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!" The rabbit says.

The Giraffe is so overcome with gratitude that it tearfully smashes the bong to pieces on the ground and then goes galloping off behind the Elephant, and the Giraffe.

Eventually they come up to a big Silver back Gorilla about to shoot up heroin. "Mr. Gorilla, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!" The rabbit says.

The Gorilla is touched with the rabbit's concern, breaks the syringe, and goes running off with the rabbit, the elephant, and the giraffe.

Before long they come up on a Lion about to snort fat rails of coke off a rock. "Mr. Lion, Mr. Lion, don't do it! Drugs are baaaad for you; come running with me!" The rabbit says again.

The lion takes one look at the coke, then at the rabbit, and then stands and messily eats the rabbit right before the horrified, unblinking eyes of the Elephant, Giraffe, and Gorilla.

"Mr. Lion, what the f***!?" The Giraffe protests immediately.  "What's wrong with you?!" Bellows Elephant. "You ate him, and he was only trying to look out for your health!!" Cries Gorilla.

 "Like hell if he was!" Says the Lion. "The last time that little motherf***er got high on PCP, he had me running through the jungle like a freaking dumbass for 5 hours!!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Alte Schule on May 25, 2019, 07:23:45 PM
I use to tell this one in shift briefing when we had new officers.

Did you see unit 47 just arrested Ronald McDonald and are bringing him in in handcuffs. No kidding? What for?
They found him behind the Dairy Queen eating a dude.

For those that don't know The Dude is a chicken fried steak sandwich on the DQ menu.

Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: TXAZ on May 25, 2019, 10:13:22 PM
I use to tell this one in shift briefing when we had new officers.

Did you see unit 47 just arrested Ronald McDonald and are bringing him in in handcuffs. No kidding? What for?
They found him behind the Dairy Queen eating a dude.

For those that don't know The Dude is a chicken fried steak sandwich on the DQ menu.
The Corollary is:
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King flipped out his Whopper.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on May 26, 2019, 05:06:01 AM
So this teenage girl is nervous AF because her boyfriend wants her to meet his parents for the first time ever by coming over for dinner, and she spends the entire day worrying about different ways to make a good first impression.

"I don't want to look like a gluttonous pig, or give them the impression that I'm eventually going to let myself go, so I'll have something to eat now, and when I get there, I'll only eat a polite amount of food!" She thinks.

Unfortunately she settles on a meal of beans and carbonated beverages beforehand so by the time she actually gets there she's developed a really bad case of gas.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no! I don't want to be rude just get up mid-conversation and run off to the bathroom!" She thinks; unfortunately, before she can excuse herself, the first fart escapes and it's loud enough to silence dinner conversation.

"Rusty!" The father exclaims; the girl looks below her to see an old dog resting quietly under her seat, and she can hardly believe her luck.

"Hey, they blamed the dog!" She thinks silently to herself in relief; unfortunately, before she can think of what to do next, another roiling boil cooks up in her stomach.

"Maybe they'll blame it on the dog again!" she thinks to herself, and leans over to cut the gnarliest rattler yet.

"Rusty!!" The father warns.

"Ha! Thank goodness for old dogs!!" Thinks the girl excitedly.

Unfortunately she can finally feel the mother of all blasts brewing like a hurricane, and knows that dinner will be drawing to a close soon, at which point they'll have to adjourn to the living room to watch TV. So, thinking to herself, "Here goes nothing!", the girl rips the last one out and it practically sounds like a diesel engine revving.

"RUSTY!!!" Roars the father, "GET OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THAT GIRL BEFORE SHE S***'S ON YOU!!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 26, 2019, 02:42:01 PM
Gilgondorin, I about fell out of my chair from laughing so hard! Good one sir!  :th_thicon_idea:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 26, 2019, 03:42:41 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/YHLAowgl.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 27, 2019, 02:09:40 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/qi8i7Mil.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 27, 2019, 02:14:28 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/LSFgWEQl.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on May 29, 2019, 10:12:28 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/dm7Rt7fl.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on June 14, 2019, 10:40:53 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/5oU2w2gl.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on June 14, 2019, 11:02:09 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/u1fMBYBl.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on June 14, 2019, 11:07:39 AM
And then the fight started!  :help:

(https://i.imgur.com/08cQF4kl.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on June 14, 2019, 11:13:18 AM
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on June 14, 2019, 11:22:20 AM
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on June 14, 2019, 08:12:38 PM
And then the fight started!  :help:

(https://i.imgur.com/08cQF4kl.jpg)

That's one reason why I didn't get married … being honest can be dangerous
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on June 18, 2019, 03:54:21 PM
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on July 14, 2019, 03:56:29 PM
What a simple and brilliant idea!

I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!!
It's hard to beat Israeli technology!
TEL AVIV, Israel –
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that
eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone,
with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a "muffled explosion".
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a
seat available on Flight 670 to London”.:p

“Shalom!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on July 14, 2019, 04:05:23 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/2SImoiml.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on July 14, 2019, 04:06:06 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/5e3OM2Ml.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on July 30, 2019, 10:01:38 AM
ALL MEN LIKE TO THINK THEY ARE MARRYING NYMPHOMANIACS.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT AFTER A FEW YEARS,
THE NYMPHO LEAVES
AND THE MANIAC STAYS.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on August 10, 2019, 03:45:30 AM
Please keep this in mind guys!  :wave1:

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on August 22, 2020, 05:12:54 PM
So a middle school with a rampant drug use problem among the students hires two guys to come up with new and innovative ways to convince the kids not to do drugs.

After two weeks of talking to the students, the principle then weighs the results of the two respective anti-drug campaigns by conducting an anonymous student body survey to gauge how effective each anti-drug instructor was.

"Your results are promising." The principle says to the first guy. "According to the results of my survey, you were able to convince 38% of the students assigned to you to swear not to do drugs. What was your angle?"

The first guy takes a sheet of paper and draws a circle on it as big as the sheet of the paper, and says "First, I told them this was the size of their brain before the drugs." Then, he draws a tiny circle inside the big circle about the size of a pea. "Then, I told them this would be the size of their brain after it shrivels up from killing so many brain cells by doing drugs."

The principle is impressed, but turns to the second guy who receives a hearty congratulations for being the undisputed winner of the contest. "According to my research, you convinced practically ALL of your students to give up drugs. What's your secret?!" The principle asks.

"Well," Says the second guy, taking the piece of paper the first guy drew on. "I used a similar approach as my colleague here, except," He says, as he points to the tiny circle, "I started with the small circle first, telling them 'This is the size of your asshole BEFORE you go to prison for doing drugs...."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: TXAZ on August 22, 2020, 06:42:41 PM
"Gun control".

Headline:  "New Jersey police confiscate arsenal of 7 guns."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on August 26, 2020, 07:34:05 PM
So a pirate captain is standing on deck gazing out at sea when up from above in the Crow's nest the lookout shoots "Captain! 10 enemy ships off the port bow!"

The Captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Lad, fetch me my red sleeping shirt."

The cabin boy scrambles to do so, and unfortunately in short order the ship's crew become engaged in some of the most brutal and violent boarding-actions and hand-to-hand combat imaginable.

Fortunately for the pirate crew, they emerge victorious; afterwards the cabin boy approaches the Captain and asks, "Sir, why of all things did you ask for your red sleeping shirt before the battle?"

"Arrgh," growls the pirate, "The shirt is red like me blood. Even if I am wounded, the crew will not see or notice the blood stains, won't know that I am wounded, and won't get scared or surrender. They'll continue to fight strongly and courageously."

A day later, the lookout up in the crow's nest says 'Captain!! 20 enemy ships off the starboard bow!!"

"Shall I go fetch your red sleeping shirt, sir?" The Cabin boy asks.

"Aye lad!" The captain responds, and again in short order the fighting is upon them, with it being even worse than the day before.

Finally, on the third day the lookout up above shouts out, "Captain!! 50 enemy ships dead ahead!"

"Shall I go fetch your red sleeping shirt, sir?" The Cabin boy asks, again.

"Nay lad..." Says the Captain, looking at all the enemy ships. "Fetch me my brown pants!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on August 31, 2020, 01:25:11 PM
Gilgondorin, that was truly a great joke sir!  :rocknroll2:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on August 31, 2020, 02:19:41 PM
So these two guys are out walking their dogs together and one guy is bragging about how smart his collie, Rusty, is.

"Rusty's so smart. I swear, he's like to be the smartest dog in the whole wide world." The guy goes on, until finally his companion is like 'Dude, shut up about the dog already. He's probably not even really that much smarter than any other dog anyway."

Rusty's owner scoffs and decides to prove Rusty's intellect and so he orders Rusty to run down to the pond and count the number of ducks swimming around.

Rusty dashes of, is gone for a few seconds, comes back, and barks 20 times, to which his owner proudly says "There are 20 ducks out on that pond."

The second guy is like "Aha! I saw the pond just a few minutes ago; there weren't any ducks there at all!"

To which Rusty's owner replies "Well if you don't believe him, then go count for yourself!"

So the other guy does go down to the pond and is surprised to see that, indeed, 20 ducks are now out swimming around in the pond.

"That must have been a fluke. Tell him to go back there and recount them again!" Says the second guy.

So Rusty dutifully bounds off toward the pond, is gone for a while, then comes back and barks 60 times.

"See! He can't count! Just a couple of seconds ago, he only barked 20 times!" The second guy argues, but again, Rusty's owner insists he go down to the pond to check for himself.

Again, the guy is bewildered when he goes down and double-checks Rusty's count and finds it is in fact true and accurate.

So, he goes back up a third time and demands Rusty go down for one more proof-count to show that he is indeed the undisputed smartest dog in the world.

Rusty runs off to the pond, comes back, and scares the second guy as he immediately starts barking like a rabid maniac then humping the s*** out of his owner's leg; finally, he jumps into a tree, snaps a low-hanging branch off, and starts waving it around like a rope toy from hell.

"Aha!! See!!" Exclaims the second guy. "That dog's not smart! He's clearly lost his mind!"

"No no, dammit" Rusty's owner responds, impatiently. "You just don't know how to interpret what he's saying. Rusty said: "There is now more f***ing ducks down there in that pond than you can shake a stick at!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Axxe55 on September 01, 2020, 11:24:58 AM
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: 308nato on September 01, 2020, 02:00:44 PM
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room
[/quote







Fantastic lmao. :th_thicon_lol:
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on September 02, 2020, 07:51:20 PM
This one came from a 5 year old  :th_thicon_funny:

There was a accident on the interstate, a independent, republican and a democrat were killed

They're standing in front of St. Peter, he tells them if they can tell him what is in the room they are free to go, they nod ok

The independent goes in first and has a horrifying look on their face, they see barbwire encampments, soldiers with guns and people being tortured, turns to St. Peter and tells him they are in a police state, St. Peter says you are right, you may go and the independent disappears

The republican goes in and has the same horrifying look, turns to St. Peter and says this is a police state, St. Peter says you are right, you may go and the republican disappears

The democrat goes in and looks around, but has a big grin on their face, a confused St. Peter asked why the big grin,  the democrat says I made it to  heaven
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: TXAZ on September 02, 2020, 08:39:08 PM
Joe. Biden.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on September 02, 2020, 09:12:11 PM
Joe. Biden.

No a 5 year old not a 95 year old

Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on September 03, 2020, 08:24:10 AM
So this lady loves to garden, and to that end she prides herself on keeping a really badass vegetable patch full of the most delicious produce growing on the largest and leafiest plants you've ever seen.

.....Unfortunately, her tomatoes are another story. No matter what this poor tortured woman does, she can never get them to ripen. They can get as big as a small cantaloupe, but never turn the pretty red she so desperately seeks.

She tries everything; old wives' tales she reads in old farmer's almanacs, high tech experimental fertilizers, importing ultra mineral rich soil at significant cost, and of course all the conventional gardening advice from other vegetable gurus she can get, but nothing works.

While checking the mail one day she meets a neighbor who is surprised to see how bummed out she is following her latest failure, and so he strikes up a conversation and see begins telling him of her woes and all the make things she's tried with no success.

"Well, " says the neighbor, "There's your problem. See, you're going at this from the wrong direction; you aren't embarrassing the tomatoes enough."

The lady is like "....What?" And the neighbor is like "Oh yeah, see, I fully acknowledge this is gonna sound wack as hell at first, but, tomatoes are very bashful fruits. What you have to do is get up really in the morning before anybody else is up that might see you. Put on something really skimpy and revealing, and give them the best lap dance you can. Because they can't handle the impropriety, they'll flush bright red with embarrassment and there you'll have your red ripe tomatoes."

The lady is pretty sure the neighbor is as full of s*** as is imaginable, but it plants the seeds of doubt in her mind the longer she ruminates on it, until eventually, she decides that relative to everything else she's tried, some things which cost her a hell of a lot of money and didn't work, this plan is literally free and isn't something she's ever tried.

A week goes by and she gives it all she's got, shaking and jiggling and shivering that money maker like it's 15 degrees below zero outside. It so happens that at the end of the week, she bumps into the neighbor at the mailbox again.

"Well!" Greets the neighbor. "Were you able to use my advice to make your tomatoes ripen?"

"No," she says, "But you should SEE how big my cucumbers have grown."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on September 04, 2020, 08:40:44 PM
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in. The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master." "Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." "Doberman, what do you believe in?" asked God. The doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master." "Aha," said God. "You may sit to my left." Then God looked at the cat and asked "And what do you believe in?" The cat replied, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on September 05, 2020, 11:01:17 AM
So heaven needs to implement some new rules for admission to deal with an overcrowding problem; in order to make it past the pearly gates, the rule now is that you must meet all the previous requirements, but you also have to experience a really crappy day back on Earth before you gain admittance.

So this guy comes up looking very depressed and when he approaches St. Peter he is informed of the new policy and asked to recount his last day on Earth.

"Well, it's just terrible." Says the man, "You see, all my life I treated my wife like a queen. I loved her in sickness and in health, I gave her half of every one of my paychecks to spend as she wanted, gave her fancy gifts, took her out regularly to fancy restaurants, and generally always thought about her. But then I came back home early from work and found her naked and sweaty on the bed, I realized then that she had been cheating on me. Being that we live on the 10th floor of an apartment building and that I'd just walked in, I figured the culprit couldn't have gone far so in a jealous rage I tore the place up looking for him. Eventually, I was about to give up when by pure luck I happened to glance out the window to our balcony and saw two sets of fingers on our our fire-escape. Still furious about being betrayed, I ran out and saw a man, sweaty and shirtless, hanging from the fire escape, so I stomped on his hands, then got a hammer and tried smashing his fingers when he wouldn't let go. When he finally did, he fell all the way to the ground, but because he landed in a bush and survived, I ran back to our kitchen, picked up our fridge, and threw it out the window so it would land on top of him. Unfortunately, that much strain on top of my already high blood pressure gave me a heart-attack and killed me."

"My word," Says Saint Peter, "That truly is terrible. Come right on in." And so he lets the guy in.

Next comes up a man looking equally dejected. He too is informed of the new rule by Saint Peter when he approaches to ask for entry.

"Well, I surely had a terrible day." The second man begins. "You see, I live on the 9th floor of an apartment building, and like to exercise on my balcony every day. But today, it so happened that partway through my exercise routine, some wild maniac in the apartment above me came out while I was doing pull-ups on the fire-escape and started stomping on my fingers. I thought I could hang on to get back on my balcony and recuse myself, until the bastard came back with a claw hammer. Obviously, the pain of him breaking my fingers was so enormous I had to let go, and I pissed myself in fear falling the 9 stories to the ground. I thought perhaps my luck had changed when I landed in a thick bush, because even with all my bones broken, I survived. However, the crazy man must have realized this too, because he threw his refrigerator on top of me and crushed me to death since I couldn't crawl away to safety."

"Goodness!" Says Saint Peter, trying to keep from breaking out into a knowing smile at the dead man's unfortunate coincidence. However, he too lets the man into heaven.

Finally, a third man comes up, buck ass nude. He is also informed of the new rule about having a bad day before getting into heaven.

"Boy, I tell you I've got a crummy one for you." The third man begins. "Picture this: I'm totally naked, and hiding in a refrigerator...."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on September 05, 2020, 11:30:42 AM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing? she asked. Hunting flies, he replied. Oh, killed any? she asked. Yep, 3 males and 2 females, he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, How can you tell them apart? The husband replied, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on September 05, 2020, 03:15:31 PM
So this guy walks into a bar and as he sits down he sees a tiny man, only about a foot tall, seated at a fully functional miniature piano and playing classical music.

"What's the deal with him?" Asks the newly arriving bar patron.

"See this lamp?" The bartender asks, pulling an ancient lamp out from under the bar and setting it in front of him. "It's a magic lamp, and if you rub it, a magic genie inside will come out and grant you one wish."

The guy obviously believes he's being put on, so as the bartender takes his order and goes off to make his drink, he reaches over and rubs it.

Immediately a genie pops out, turning to the man and crossing his arms. "You have summoned me from the lamp! You may have one wish."

"I want a million bucks!" The guy exclaims, in excited disbelief.

"So be it!" The genie declares, then promptly disappears back into his bottle.

Suddenly outside storm clouds gather, along with booming peals of thunder. Then, countless thousands of ducks, quacking and flapping wildly, start falling from the sky.

"Hey, what the hell?!" The customer demands. "I said I wanted a million bucks, not a million ducks!!"

"Yeah," Says the bartender, placing the man's drink in front of him with a shrug. "I suppose I forgot to mention that there Genie is hard of hearing. Hell, you didn't seriously think I asked for a 12" pianist either, did you?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on September 05, 2020, 03:29:12 PM
Two ducks walk in to a bar, one is knocked unconscious

Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on September 05, 2020, 04:05:30 PM
A man with a small pet monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar. No sooner does the man sit down than the monkey jumps off his shoulder and begins making a nuisance of himself, eating everything in sight.

All of the complimentary nuts in the bowl on the bar, change left on the counter by previous owners, martini olives, and even the little cubes of pool cue chalk are eaten. Finally, the bartender can't stay silent anymore as the monkey jumps onto a billiard table, grabs the cue ball, and eats it.

"Hey mac, your monkey is out of control. He just ate one of my cue balls!" The bartender grouses. Retrieving the monkey, the man apologizes profusely and pays for all of the things the monkey ate, including the cue ball and then leaves.

A week or two later, the same man with the same monkey shows up at the bar again, and this time as before, the monkey jumps right off the owner's shoulder and immediately spots a maraschino cherry on the counter. The bartender watches in horror as the monkey grabs the cherry, crams it up his ass, pulls it back out, and then eats it.

"Ugh! Hey mac, what the hell is your monkey's problem?" The bartender demands in disgust, telling the owner what he just witnessed.

"Oh yes, terribly sorry about that." The owner replies, dryly. "You see, I spend so much money paying to replace the things he eats that don't belong to us, that I can't afford to take him to a vet to have something surgically removed every time he eats things he shouldn't. Ever since he had to pass that cue ball naturally, he's learned to measure things first before he eats them."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on September 06, 2020, 08:30:16 PM
Self Testing For COVID-19

Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: Gilgondorin on September 06, 2020, 10:15:06 PM
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV, and a commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in just one week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning the guy is surprised when he answers a knock at the door and finds a good looking woman standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes.

"If you can catch me, you can have me!" She promises, with a flirtatious wink. Then, she takes off running, and obviously, as soon as he's sure it's not a joke the overweight man tries to catch her, but is unable.

This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has indeed lost 10 pounds. Seeing his progress, he decides to try the next weight loss plan, which is to drop 15 pounds in a week.

The next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, and this time being in better shape, he almost catches her.

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as promised, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.

Before he's signed up though, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he goes for it anyway.

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound man, a male body builder, with nothing on but a pair of running shoes.

He looks down at the guy and says, "Okay, you know the drill by now, but this time, if I catch you, that ass is mine!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread!
Post by: AKM-47 on September 08, 2020, 11:06:47 AM
A blonde goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is that TV?" Salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds."  So, she dyes her hair brown and comes back the next day as a brunette.  "How much is this TV", she asks. Again, the salesman says "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes."  A few days later she returns to the store, this time as a redhead, but again the salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."  She asks, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blonde?" The salesman replies, "Because, that's not a TV.  It's a microwave."